I Hate Coffee Machines And People Who Buy Them

I Hate Coffee Machines And People Who Buy Them

Really, what is it with you? You sigh and steam and then cough up my coffee through your iron lungs, your never-cleaned pipes all while secretly plotting the end of mankind.

All for the easy sum of a thousand dollars.

Do you have any idea how much coffee I could buy and brew for a thousand dollars? At a going rate of ten bucks a month for a bag of coffee that would be a hundred months — or in laymen’s terms NEARLY A FRICKING DECADE!

You do not belong here, this house, this country, this world. You are a monstrosity of chrome anodized steel and once-fresh milk rotting away in a milk foam maker that never gets cleaned either. Your dirty filth has no reason being in my mug, the big hug mug that I bought after watching too much Twin Peaks and True Detective.

Sure, you have buttons and dials and everything looks like you need a PHD in Barista just to prepare the simplest of black coffees — and don’t get me talking about a cup of chino or a coffee late.

And really, what the heck is wrong with a French Press coffee maker? Nothing, that’s how much. It’s simple, it’s clean, it looks twice as stunning. My Instagram pictures of my coffee maker are art, not a fancy way of saying “look at how much money I can waste.”

Did I mention they cost ten dollars for the entry, fifty dollars for the high end model and I can’t even tell the difference? Here, look at this, tell me it’s not sleek:

Photo by Maddy Baker on Unsplash

This, my friend is black coffe, an honest drink from a more civilized world. It does not distract you from your shitty life when you drink it — it adds to the experience. It tells stories to your tongue, bittersweet stories of your first love and how she told you to fuck off and then got down and dirty with Jerry. Fuck Jerry, and fuck coffee machines. They are stubborn, they don’t talk, they pride themselves on their stoic resistance to giving your body what it needs. I’m sure they even extract all the caffeeine from the coffee until your coffee has just as much soul as your average redhead.

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See the picture above? The whole world reflects in the coffee, a dark world in a dark liquid and if you can’t handle that at least man up to your inadequacy and start drinking hot milk. Or put sugar into your coffee, that way we won’t have to question whether you’re a failure. I bet Jerry drinks his coffee creamy white and sugary.

And really, what’s it say about a man who goes out, buys a coffee machine? I bet that’s the same kind of dude who buys a sound system so he can hear the sports reporter yell random stats at him from four different angles. Jerry probably introduces himself as passionate about sports as well when really all he does is watch football — and not even regularly.

Coffee. Back to coffee.

The other day someone I used to go to school with posted a picture of his new coffee machine, together with fricking emojis. So I deleted my Facebook. Fuck this, time to do pushups while the water boils so I can prepare my heavenly dark can of coffee. I should probably clean the kitchen floor, it’s been a while it seems.

If you like coffee as well — or cleaning kitchen floors for that matter — you should probably check out one of my totally unrelated posts, they make for a good read while you drink your coffee and daydream about the darkest hours of man.



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