A Workout Routine You Can Do In Your Desk Chair (For real)

A Workout Routine You Can Do In Your Desk Chair (For real)

Let me pain(t) you a picture: You sit there, Monday, Wednesday, in your chair, yet another meeting. Someone is planning something, someone else is busy with knowledge multiplication, a third time your boss is showing the presentation he already showed to those in charge. You know, life.

What if, however, you could take all those meetings where you are totally optional, yet somehow required to attend and use them well, use them to get your body in shape? Not just that, but in peak shape, rivalling people who work real jobs in the real word and occasionally have to go places, lift things, dig holes? #

Doesn’t that sound sweet, bittersweet even? No, wait, bittersweat, more like. So, let’s do dis, here are some exercises you can do right there in your chair, with nobody the wiser.

The Warmonger

This is a full-body workout, right in your chair. You will need two hand trainers, those little rubber circles that you squeeze harder than life on the streets.

Equipped with hose you roll forward in your chair, rest your forearms on the desk while your hands squeeze those rings. Now, lift your feet up, as high as you can get them, then keep them kneecaps touching the table until your boss stops talking. Your boss will think that look of concentration and focus in your eyes is admirable, and when he sees your tears of joy he will shortlist you for promotion. Also, you gain significant gainz, significantly.

The Wartorn Monk

You have seen it all, fought through wars and spilled the blood of innocents, until you found patience. But you see no need to preach, for the teacher will come as soon as the student is ready.

Instead, you just sit, and watch, observe. To atone for your sins you have added weights to your wrists and ankles, then hold them stretched out to signify the shackles of man. Retract your arms, and retreat from the world, then repeat the experience for as long as the meeting lives on, until reality starts to fade and your mind elevates to higher spheres, as the pain loses significance.

The Alignment: Zenter;

Nobody knows what your hands are doing, as long as you keep your face straight and the camera angled up – so you might as well use that power for good.

Align your Zen and your Thai-Chi-Gong, then squeeze a larger rubber ring with both hands, pull apart a Thera Band – or simply lift something heavy and hold it there for as long as you can, plus one.

This will also do some things for the muscles in your back, and it will put even stress on both of your arms. It will also look to random bystanders as if you are offering praise to the gods, that is always worth going the extra mile for.

The I-gave-all-I-had-to-chairity

Try sitting without sitting, aka fooling your coworkers into thinking that you still own a chair. This is the same type of exercise that the cute chick in class did during break, sitting-leaning against the wall where the body’s full weight rests on your legs. The moment you tried that seemingly simple move you failed miserably, that one. Now is your time to fight back, getting in peak shape while she’s starting to get out of it.

And then, eventually, you stop seeing the chair as a necessity, see it as the nuisance it actually is. You are now prepared for the final step.

The Preacher’s Son

Even your father is slightly horrified at your devotion to his faith. You are no longer satisfied with the silent, the egoistic, you want to bring the word to the world.

You mount a set of rings on the wall behind you, then spend the daily standup meeting steadying your shaking arms on them as your feet rest on the wall and your job on a knife’s edge.

You have outgrown your former self, seen yourself for what you are, and accepted fate as well as your True North. That’s what the CEO gave out as last month’s parole, didn’t they?

I’m sure they did, they always do.


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